What if many of us avoid joy because our subconscious associates fun with pain?

This morning I realized something I did not want to admit.
 I do not feel safe having fun.

When I look back on certain enjoyable experiences in life, I notice a pattern. I found that some of them ended in pain, embarrassment, overwhelm, and anger. I got hurt during those experiences, so my brain decided it would be safer to avoid them all together. Otherwise, I will experience that pain again.

But then my ego would overcome that nonsense and do it anyway. I am glad it did, otherwise I would have missed out on a lot of other amazing experiences. This does not mean there were not compensations and consequences in those other experiences but I would not trade them in.

They were

pretty

AWESOME!

If we stop to think about it, how many times does a child fall before walking? Over and over, right? But they want to be like their sibling, mom, dad. Hopefully not like the family dog, unless they are just having fun.

How many times have I fallen while having fun? I am not talking a simple trip and fall, I am talking:

Tomahawking down a steep snowy mountain side with my feet strapped to a board. More than I can count of course because my theory was, if you are not epically wiping out, you are not pushing your limits. My limits were pretty low compared to my aspirations.

Many times I would ride faster then my limits. Many times I did not land in a balanced manner and would proceed to Tomahawk down the mountain, right underneath the lift for everyone to see. Embarrassment, laughter, clapping, not to mention the dizziness and the stars floating around my head. But dammit, there's more powder to be had. Get your ass back down the mountain and go do it again.

Cruising on two wheels on a dusty mountain path, wind screaming past my body, sun in my eyes, music in my ears with the sudden sensation of flying. Mountain bike tires don't appreciate hitting rocks without that little lift to get up and over when you are going fast.  Because of the law of motion, things in motion tend to stay in motion until acted upon by an external source. Gravity, then the ground. Dizziness, pain, scrapes, scratches, blood. Get up and do it again.

“It didn't even hurt!”

Visiting the local drive-through for your favorite burgers and fries, your mouth watering, singing to the radio, driving back to the job site, then a sudden stop and a broken windshield. When you break a windshield with your forehead, time seems to slow down. I looked over at the man that saw the whole thing and screamed at him jokingly, “It didn't even hurt!” and then I dropped my sodas.

I only went to the hospital because my boss told me to. I wanted to go back to work. I don't remember the ambulance ride. I remember lying to the police officer that I had my seatbelt on and then waking up in the hospital strapped to a backboard and panicking. My boss took me home. I went to sleep after setting my alarm so I could go back to work the next day. That's what I do. I have responsibilities. 

Nobody understood why I was so angry all the time. I would get frustrated before but this was rage. Truthfully, I didn’t even know. I just knew that everything was pissing me off. Unless I was drinking. Drinking helped me relax and be more myself. Until the next day. Then my head hurt which made me even more pissed off.

Looking back, I can't help but wonder how much of that anger and depression was connected to the head injuries I'd experienced.

All these moments in time were fun until they weren’t.

“You'll shoot your eyes out kid.”

“Stop running you're gonna get hurt.”

“Be careful, you're going to fall.”

I had told myself these “words of wisdom” coming from an unknown source deep inside. Wise words but I was able to override them. Until I couldn’t. It is all fun and games, right? How many times have I heard or told myself those lines or something like it? But….

If I was not able to do these crazy, exciting things, that would mean that I would have to listen to the monsters in my head. The monsters telling me I was not good enough, fast enough, strong enough, smart enough, or worse. MUCH, MUCH WORSE. As long as I was flying by the seat of my pants I at least looked externally happy. Not so much internally, but at least it was covered with the excitement of riding the line of possible death.

My subconscious wants to keep me safe. It's on the lookout for everything that was involved in every incident in my life. Especially the fun times in my life that ended in injury or tragedy. It would scream at me any time it noticed anything remotely related. Scream with pain, anger, depression. Even a simple breath hold or clenching of the jaw. These were unconscious feelings that I could override.

It felt like all of these memories were on replay in my mind 24 hours a day. Searching for patterns: the temperature, the wind, the rain, the sun, the song, dust, pollen, the job.

Even my bed became part of the trauma, part of the injury, part of the concussion. After I got hurt I would curl up in bed. I had to get sleep. I had work in a few hours.

Since my limbic system had not come out of the shock of the injury, everything I did after the impact became part of story. All of the joy and excitement I was experiencing became intertwined with that moment. Drinking water, eating food, laughing with friends, exercising, alcohol - everything became associated with danger.

I made a conscious decision today to change this thought process in my brain.

I asked a lofty question to my subconscious.

Why is it so safe to have fun?

I immediately experienced tension. I could almost hear my subconscious laughing at me.

Out on a walk at 5:30 in the morning, a few clouds in the sky, the sun just coming over the mountains, birds singing, chirping and flying overhead, feeding the ducks near the water.

This should be a fun, enjoyable experience. And it is on many levels because of the work that I've done for myself. But I'm still missing some key factors.

It's not about where I am or what I'm doing. It's my subconscious idea of what may happen. What may happen because of my experiences in the past.

My subconscious shows me what I need to know. Boxing with my friends was the moment that it stopped being safe to have fun. It was a shift in my nervous system. The moment that boxing glove hit my jaw, everything changed.

And that moment was mixed up with having a job, the stress of driving, failing a test, not fitting in, lack of support, confusion. Regular teenage angst was not escalated into confusion. Confusion that I kept inside. There were really no signs besides the drop in my grades. I still went to school, laughed, worked, but my life was changing.

The key is that I heal that moment in time. Release the emotional attachment to that time in my life that is creating the tension, the fear, disconnection, and inability to truly experience joy in everything I did.

I begin my tapping/EFT ritual as memories flood in from every moment that were fun, until it wasn't. Consciously breathing with my diaphragm to let my system know that, even though I am back there again, it is not happening again and I am safe. Feeling each step I take, hearing the birds, frogs, seeing the sky, sun. Experiencing the shift.

My smile got bigger. The sky got brighter. My “good mornings” to passers by sounded and felt genuine. The birds chirping even seemed to change, not because they changed, but because I changed.

As I visualize my daughter, she is smiling brighter. Was my lack of ability to have fun holding her back as well? As I heal my own imbalances, could she benefit as well?

This makes my day. My whole day. Not just this one revelation, but everything related to it. Allowing myself to have fun, no matter what is happening. No matter what kind of chaos or what kind of fun. 

Life is not about chaos, life is about peace in the chaos.

This morning my daughter and I made pancakes, watched Boss Baby, laughed, played, and enjoyed being together.

From now on life is about fun.

Now close your computer and give yourself permission to have fun for 15 minutes.